Angry Captain

Running Time: 



The chair behind the captain’s desk is empty. Two men sit, smoking, in folding chairs facing the desk. CABINTIRE (Adam Lisagor) relaxes in one chair; FLEECE (Emmanuel Lewis) fidgets in the other.

Cabintire, I told you, man! Captain wasn’t gonna be cool with this!

Put your panties back on.

(Cabintire hands Fleece a pair of frilly panties.)

First of all, no, man, that’s nasty. And they ain’t even my size!

The door swings open, then slams shut. CAPT RIFFLES (Dennis Franz) stands looking down at the two detectives, shaking his head, chuckling.

Detective Cabintire.

Yes … sir.

Would you mind telling me what this is?

(Riffles holds up a bloodied yoga mat.)

I believe they call that “evidence” in the police business, sir.

They might have called it that. Before you took it home and wiped your Downward-facing Dogs all over it for a few weeks. What were you thinking?

Goddammit, man! You’re crazy! I did NOT leave Langley for this bullshit!

Why let a perfectly good yoga mat go to waste? Keep your panties on, Captain.

(Cabintire hands Riffles a pair of lace panties.)

Where you get all these panties from, man?

Oh, these? They’re a gift from my aunt. My Aunt YOUR MOM.

(The phone rings.)

Yeah? Oh Jesus. (Hangs up phone.) We got another guy on the roof, over on 72nd & Waldorf.

Who? A jumper?

No. A fiddler.

How’d you know that, Cabintire?

NO TIME. Get in my Vanagon, I’ll explain on the way.

ONE MORE THING: In the episode Adam briefly mentions Birdhouse, his new iPhone app. Although YLNT officially endorses BirdBath Pro Lite™ as our Twitter app of choice, we must admit that we greatly prefer Birdhouse. Learn more, watch the video, and buy the thing already:

If you love him you will buy it. Do you hate him? Is that why you’re still reading this? Wow, I’ll let him know. I’ll let him know you made your point, loud and clear, pal. But don’t be surprised if, late tonight, you get a call from Detective Cabintire, wondering where his whiskey money is. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

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The solution

By all means, preserve your honor, Scott Simpson. Proceed thusly:

[Scene: Target]

Bagel Lady: Chicken bagel, no cheese!!

Scott: Yooooouuu…(huge smile, do not draw weapon)…know what I want every morning! What a surprise! Come meet my wife Jessica*.

Bagel Lady then must introduce herself. If you feel this is too contrived, simply insert suddenly needing to answer/frown at your mobile phone.


*I forgot your wife’s name and wouldn’t know how to spell it. Will update with correction once I open a Starbucks near your house.


No pyrotechnics in the pentateuch?

I retort thusly.

A better solution

When Scott’s finished his sandwich, he follows his napkins and things into the garbage can —assuming you bus your own table in this place. If not, he’ll have to hide in the ceiling—where he bides his time until closing. Once the employees have left, he can search through the place’s employment files, get everyone’s full name, social security number and home address. For sending gift cards and such.

The next morning, when the employees show up for work, Scott is waiting with bagels for them. “Surprise! I fixed food for you!”

Scott = the hero, AND problem solved

I make things:

The Fiddler Guy

His name is Topol. He had a brief sideline in the 80s as a smoker’s toothpaste.


…I understand Judaism so much better now


You should remake the 1963 Telugu film classic Lavakusa with Adam and Webster as Lava and Kusa. Behold:

wild at heart

Mr. Sandwich is not Nick Cage (who my brain insists on turning into Nick Cave) in Wild at Heart, he is Laura Dern, if only to see him doing that marvelous dancing.

that is all


found out the names - the easy way!

just wait until one leaves, then ask whoever is left, “what is that guys name again?” you will create an endearing moment to share with the employee that is left and become even closer friends with that one.

then the next day repeat the process with the person you just learned the name from.. calling them by name… also showing how attentive you are… and possibly get them to sleep with you…

win win

or just go to a different less smothering bagel shop

Come on, fun bunch

I can’t say how extremely disappointed I am that almost a month has gone by and no one has put together a supercut of angry police captains.

Fiddling about

For the Judaically challenged in SF— Educate yourself.

Also, one of Topol’s lesser known works. Silly guy, that can’t possibly be the best way to amplify.