Where Is the Ham?

Running Time: 

Sandwich smiles into the mouthpiece, teenage telemarketing salad days, LonelyWear’s autumn line, the secret of our success (at Macy’s), ham symphony, Karl gets fired from the Geek Squad, acquaintance on final approach, face school.

Important questions raised by this episode:
There were no important questions raised by this episode.

Photo: Photocapy, Canned Ham (Detail)

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The length of this episode...

That it was more than 25 minutes brought me an unreasonable amount of joy. That I misread and thought it said 50 minutes and not 40ish an embarrassing level of disappointment.

As long as we keep on giving...

The Growing pains alliteration both confused and delighted my heart soul.

K-mart and cargo shorts

K-mart is still around and I should know. I’m currently about half a mile from one but luckily just outside the event horizon of despair. Though sometimes it does surge and I suddenly feel like committing suicide or changing into sweat pants and flip-flops.

And I just wanted to defend cargo shorts for a second. I wear them but not because I’ve given up but because when we’re out my wife doesn’t like to carry a purse so I end up holding her wallet, cell phone and anything else she might want to take along. I joked that I was her pack mule. She said she was going to start calling me pockets. I said “Then I’m going to start calling you ‘Moist Hole’.”

Actually, maybe I have given up.

Lifetime Network for Men

The Lifetime Network for Men would clearly be based upon the Twilight Zone.

As evidence, I offer the following episode synopsis, which eerily resembles a Lifetime documentary devoted to Cyrillic Macy’s Syndrome.


This is wierd

Oh my god, you guys!

I totally had one of those awkward experiences today. I was walking home from school through a park. There was no-one to be seen, except for one man that is, a man in the distance, jogging.

I was sure I recognised him from somewhere but not sure where. I crunched up my nose and eyes and tried to study him more closely and I recalled who I thought it was … it was my new ICT teacher, Mr Morgan.

2 minutes passed. It was a big park.

So he was approaching me at a jog and I nervously looked up. I did sort of want him to recognise me because he is actually quite a cool teacher (don’t tell my friends). I kept looking. But no. He just carried on with his jog without acknowledging me at all.

This sort of pissed me off a bit. I’m a 15 year old kid, think I’m pretty cool and even my ICT teacher, a geek by trade (albeit a cool one) is too good for me. Good God.

Actually, that’s a good point. Shouldn’t he have been teaching a class, it was like 2 in the afternoon.

(writing that comment was a well spent 20 minutes. At least I killed some time while my new iTunes downloaded though geeks)

As a resident of the Greater

As a resident of the Greater New Port Richey area, I can definitely say there are lots of retarded children here who need your money so we can send them to the circus.


I was on the clock at K-Mart when Scott said K-Mart doesn’t exist. Although I fall into the “teenager who needs money” category of employees there, as opposed to the “chain-smoking late-40s single mom” category that makes up the other 95%.

Was Karl the same guy from Expressed as a Vest?

Two Words

Three Words

Waffle House Wedding


This beautiful wedding made me think of you guys.

Face Recognition Disease

Hey Guys, Another great show.

Your mention of a “face disease” caught my attention. My wife has a degree of the “face disease” or otherwise known as Prosopagnosia, a.k.a. “face blindness.”

You can actually take a test online to see to what degree you may suffer from Prosopagnosia.


For the record, I scored 100%. I, like Merlin, can remember someone who gave me a ham sandwich at lunch in the 3rd grade.


This show just took YLNT from “listening to funny dudes try not to laugh out loud at each others jokes” to “art”. In a the best possible way.

What to say to terminate a conversation

An alternative statement to “Where is the Ham?” to get out of an awkward social situation could be, “Excuse me, my house is on fire.”

Awesome Awesome Podcast

Greetings, hug and pat on the shoulder from Germany.

Close to causing a mental breakdown

I love the show! I listen at work as I drive.

At the 30min mark or so the show has some whacked out audio thing happen. Sounds like the track overlaps or something went wrong causing the future to mash with the present time.

Long story short, I started to get a little dizzy suffered shortness of breath.
Almost drove my large service vehicle off the road.

Next time I hear multiple voices talking in my head at once I will know to turn down my iPod and regroup for a second.

You guys rock! Brandon

Have your awkward cake and eat it too

Im thinking that instead of discussing individual awkward social situations u guys should just publish a book with a series of solutions to awkward cake, right get a pen, it could be called, ‘have your awkward cake and eat it too’, with a section devoted entirely to ‘ending the conversation with embalming guy without seeming rude’ and a quick easy reference phrase chart for immediately shutting down a word exchange, including among others, ‘oh good lord i hate my body’, ‘what do u think of the political situation in the outer hebredies?’ and the unstoppable verbal swap party ending line, ‘i have to go now or i may start obeying the voices in my head telling me to kill u’

available in ARROW paperback april next year

thank u and goodnight

jk xx