Thousands* of you wrote to us asking for Election Day guidance. Sadly, we don’t have time to evaluate every candidate in every race. Instead, we commissioned the handy YLNT Voter’s Guide you’ll find below. We recommend you print it onto waterproof paper, fold it into a tiny square, and hide it in your mouth as you enter the voting booth.
Of course, this simple checklist can’t cover every scenario. But we did try to make our guidelines as broadly applicable as possible:
- Yourself. If you are on the ballot, give yourself the vote. Don’t overthink this one.
- Any witch/warlock.
- A candidate who gained/lost more than 30 lbs. for a role in a movie or play. (Shows dedication.)
- Anyone who has given you a venereal disease.
- John Denver. He is dead. And a folk singer.
- A “human beatbox.” Filibuster nightmare.
Listen to the episode for many more helpful voting tips, including some Election Day-specific pickup lines.
Also: Rappy pants and dentures, hats of the Seduction Community, Pascal’s voting wager (Vote for Adam’s dad). No ice cream for the handicapable. After two it’s quote unquote “me”. Love in a voting booth, medieval jewelry vis-à-vis Hypercolor, Adam’s hypnotic sexytime, and push presents.
*”Thousands”: from the Greek, meaning “zero.”
Photo by RS_Joe (detail).