Who Voted?

Running Time: 


Thousands* of you wrote to us asking for Election Day guidance. Sadly, we don’t have time to evaluate every candidate in every race. Instead, we commissioned the handy YLNT Voter’s Guide you’ll find below. We recommend you print it onto waterproof paper, fold it into a tiny square, and hide it in your mouth as you enter the voting booth.

Of course, this simple checklist can’t cover every scenario. But we did try to make our guidelines as broadly applicable as possible:


  1. Yourself. If you are on the ballot, give yourself the vote. Don’t overthink this one.
  2. Any witch/warlock.
  3. A candidate who gained/lost more than 30 lbs. for a role in a movie or play. (Shows dedication.)


  1. Anyone who has given you a venereal disease.
  2. John Denver. He is dead. And a folk singer.
  3. A “human beatbox.” Filibuster nightmare.

Listen to the episode for many more helpful voting tips, including some Election Day-specific pickup lines.

Also: Rappy pants and dentures, hats of the Seduction Community, Pascal’s voting wager (Vote for Adam’s dad). No ice cream for the handicapable. After two it’s quote unquote “me”. Love in a voting booth, medieval jewelry vis-à-vis Hypercolor, Adam’s hypnotic sexytime, and push presents.

*”Thousands”: from the Greek, meaning “zero.”

Photo by RS_Joe (detail).

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I really do wonder if Scott

I really do wonder if Scott voted Libertarian. I had considered it myself, but I hate McCain too much for that.

Emmisary Votesman

I hereby submit myself for the position for Emmisary Votesman, based on my unattached status, somewhat awkward yet outgoing demeanor, and a varying lack/surplus of personal shame in all the wrong/necessary places.



Are you referring to the open position of Emissary Boatsman, for which we have been advertising in the back pages of “Aquatic Diplomat”? If so, please send your C.V. and pictures of your waterproof treaty-signing pen to the usual P.O. Box.

just pure genius

This is really one of the best comedy podcasts and comedy in general I’ve listened to. Keep up the awesome work, and how about 2 shows a week??

Hypnotism Fantasies

Although it wasn’t as high tech as Adam’s version, back in high school my friends and I used to try to hypnotize each other and tell each other to experience a dream/fantasy about our Duran Duran member of choice. We all pretended that it worked.

So when you guys laughed so hard at Adam, first I felt kind of embarrassed, and then for some reason it made me want to hear “Union of the Snake.”

The YLNT drinking game

I’m not very good at things with rules but I think the list of drink triggers should at least include:

  • vis-a-vis
  • quote unquote
  • a wikipedia connection is revoked
  • Adam sighs
  • Merlin does an impression
  • any reference to the 1980’s

Nightmare mode: - Every music break

Drinking Game

When I listen to the show I do play that drinking game — except I listen to the show by myself. So the drinking game is really just getting drunk alone. No different than any other day, I guess.

A warning.

I found the Select Nut Mix at my local Walgreens today and thought of You Look Nice Today. But savy shopper as I am I passed over them at 2 for $10 to the Sunset Nut Mix for 2 for $7. They also contained only cashews, almonds, pecans and “Macs” (Insider nut lingo? Or laziness?)

Unfortunatley, I soon realized I’d misread. They’re Sunset Spice Nut Mix. Meaning all nuts were doused in some sort of mealy mixture of brown sugar, caribbean spices and poo.

Don’t get me wrong, I still ate them. But I didn’t like it. I didn’t like it at all.

Another Drinking Game Variation

You Look Drunk Today,
a drinking game of emotional hygiene
version 1.0 (first draft)

Merlin combines two seemingly unrelated words
  (e.g. Salami Commander, Steampunk Waffle)
"No" used in the affirmative
  (e.g. "No No, that's exactly what I mean")
"None of this will ever make it to the episode."
"Lady" profession
  (e.g. Lady Cop, Lady Judge)
"Can I ask you guys a question?"
"We're gonna cut this all out."
Merlin overheard eating nuts
Scott agrees with himself
Adam makes fun of himself
"Blue-sky solutioneering"
"None of this is usable"
"Take it and turn it"
High-brow reference
"Bicycle inner tube"

Expert Mode:
Any reference to
 -rectal cancer

Nice work gregschoen.

Nice work gregschoen. You’re clearly a guy who gets things done.

A few additions to suggest:

“I’m not gonna lie to you”

A guitar or other music instrument is played outside a regular musical break.


Agreed! Nice work.


Thank you all, I have a few more ideas that will be coming eventually. Definately will be adding the suggested ones.


How about ‘hirsute’?

Don't Forget Adam's Penis...

One Aunt Nancy for any mention thereof.

Two if it’s described as having “Beer Can” proportions.

I feel kinda dirty for even mentioning it.

Hardened Liver Mode:

Two shots whenever Merlin aggressively misuses Latin phrases. (Tabula rasa?)

oh, hell, yes

“Aggressive misuse” is a phrase I would LOVE to appear prominently in my eulogy. Nice work, IanEff.

Can I ask you a personal question?

It turns out that if you ask some people what their name is, they’ll just tell you and not even find the humor in what you just said. It’s more than a little disarming. Luckily, here in Canada, we can talk about the weather with a level of sincerity that is unequaled in all the rest of the world.

and by problem I mean racism

I was sorry that in Scott’s fantasy in the voting booth, the serious school board candidate didn’t ask him what it would take to “maintain an election”.

That’s my problem, I guess.

This is really one of the

This is really one of the best comedy podcasts and comedy in general I’ve listened to. Keep up the awesome work, and how about 2 shows a week??roulette online poker sites blackjack online video poker online movie downloads horse race betting iphone wallpapers

I’d love to see two shows

I’d love to see two shows a week of this. You should get in touch with John Stewart, see if you can get your own segment!