A Sextodecimestrial Letter to YLNT Shareholders

ylnt, candid

Bona Fides


Sui generis, and in keeping with the reductio ad lexis terms viz. the charter, bylaws, and codicils of our de jure public incorporation papers (initially filed, pro bono, on April 3rd 2008 in Los Altos, CA), The Board of YOU LOOK NICE TODAY (hereafter: YLNT) are legally-obligated, ex libris, to submit this admittedly awkward Letter to Shareholders. So, here goes.

One Cork on a Rocky Sea

Greetings from our nominal headquarters here in beautiful Dover (hereafter: Burlingame, CA).

As we all know by now, these last sixteen months have represented a challenging but invigorating time for YLNT.

Like so many of the major players, we have watched with dismay as the fortunes of the market and its impotent stakeholders have spun around the mildewed bowl of our global economy’s shitter–not unlike a disappointing turdlette dispatched from the business end of one’s least-favorite child.

We won’t lie to you: hitching a ride on that particular dookie has made for a bumpy fucking ride in a stinky little skiff.

Lessons Learned

But, NO, The Board of YLNT can’t and won’t blame “the big bad world” for all of our problems. Not entirely, anyway.

In retrospect, it’s clear that you, The Shareholders, have suffered grievously by our own shortcomings and missteps along the way. And–at least according to our surprisingly costly team of lawyers–we may be exposing ourselves to numerous litigious quagmires if we were to claim otherwise.

And, so, for a variety of tediously complex legal and personal reasons, YLNT regrets the error.

YLNT Trend Line

In truth, it is now blindingly obvious that many of The Board’s reactions to YLNT’s less-than-satisfactory output were inadvisable, incurious, and, on occasion, bizarre, to say the least.

For example. The one well-publicized miscalculation that many have chosen to beat into the ground?

The bone marrow restaurant concept.

Okay. We “Get It”

Sure. We all knew that opening a chain of 1,500 Adam’s Bone® takeout restaurants on the same hot August weekend was a potentially “risky venture.”

And, yeah, fine, cynics will always claim that, from beginning to end, the entire project was “a poorly-conceived and sloppily-implemented boondoggle of epic and osteopathic proportion.”[1]

For one, as we all learned by Labor Day, beef marrow sales historically suffer a precipitous plunge in the late summer of every year. Not something we could control.

But–yes, fine, we know–even inasmuch as our initial numbers demonstrated that most Americans will “happily hork on any shit with Adam’s face plastered on it,”[2] we probably should have teased out the subtle but very real response of “universal consumer disgust”[3] to the very notion of “choking down a beige-tan slurry of room-temperature bone meat porridge extruded into a cheap foam bowl.”[4]

Clearly, these data would have been far more useful to The Board had they emerged during that Spring’s costly 6-week pilot program. (Thanks for nothing there, “Mall of America Meat Marketing Group.”).

But, let’s not, as the philosopher said, cry over extruded slurry.

Point is: the project was less than successful, every store was shuttered by Halloween, and, yes, blah blah blah, out the metaphorical drive-thru window went some $80 Million in Shareholder value.

So, consequently, on the advice of counsel, we wish to publicly own up to this and many of our numerous other mis…somethings.

Mistakes were made. Happy now?

Rock Bottom

Let’s just say this, get it out of the way, and move on to bluer pastures: for well over a year now, we’ve essentially been eating our own boogers and pretending it’s Pinkberry. Stipulated. We fucked up.

Mea culpa. Just…very, very, very culpa.

Problem is, we’re now literally out of ideas.

Well. In any case, we’re out of good ideas.

Obviously, the public record and your meager quarterly earnings statements both demonstrate amply that The Board’s wellspring of bad ideas is, for all practical purposes, unlimited.

A New Hope

So, in desperation, and in doubt, and in literally pants-shitting fear of the imminent Shareholder lawsuit that’s been threatened by 19,236 of the more “fringe-element” jackals amongst you, we’ve decided to piss on a spark plug.

We’re going to try this one more time. Vis-à-vis:

We’re finally returning to regularly-scheduled new episodes of You Look Nice Today.

Thus, starting on next Monday–and, going forward, on the 2nd of every month–we will release a new episode of our You Look Nice Today audio program (RSS | iTunes) to The Shareholders, and to the broader public at-large, without charge, contract, or obligation.

Dropping it on the Deuce,” our boys in Marketing are calling it. And, who are we to argue with our boys? Precisely.

Michelangelo’s Daniel

Now, please understand that, per U.S. and Delaware law, these plans and assurances are not to be regarded as “forward-looking statements” or “promises” or “something you can depend on” or anything of that nature. Let’s be honest, we’d just be running the risk of pinching a fresher turdlette.

But, it is the plan–it is our plan–and ALL of the three (3) Founding Board Members of YLNT are enthusiastically behind it one-hundred percent. Possibly more, pending a Supreme Court decision slated for October of this year.

Point is: while this important adjustment in YLNT’s circuitous course does naught to ameliorate those sixteen painful months of acrimony, disappointment, threats of harm, unsubscribing, unfollowing, unliking–plus a string of stomach-churning FedEx packages sent from one particularly persistent Shareholder whom the F.B.I. is simply calling, “Jason P.”–we do sincerely hope this helps.

Because, we’ve missed you.

And, although, we can never really make it up to you?

It’s a start.

YLNT: So sorry.

Sincerely Yours,

lonelysandwich, scottsimpson, and hotdogsladies

(On behalf of YLNT; dictated not read)

CC: Securities & Exchange Commission; National Association of Broadcasters; Delaware Board of Governors; Mr. Karl Van Hœt, D.Eng.; Razzledazzle; Mr. Robert S. Andersen; Dr. Oliver Sacks; Ms. Liza Minnelli; and, The Estate of Ms. Estelle Getty.

Appendix A: Helpful Supporting Documentation

Are you new to the world of You Look Nice Today? Thinking of becoming a Shareholder? Great! Welcome!

Here are some hastily selected links to get you started:

Appendix B: References

  1. Wall Street Journal (Summer, 2009). Requires prohibitively costly subscription to view.  ↩

  2. Proven Marketing & SEO Strategies of the World’s Most Successful Passive Income Gurus! (Summer, 2009). Requires prohibitively costly subscription to view.  ↩

  3. Mall of America Meat Marketing Group (Summer, 2009). Private whitepaper. Requires prohibitively costly subscription to view.  ↩

  4. The New York Times (Summer, 2009). Requires prohibitively costly subscription to view.  ↩